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Trust in a relationship

When we got married some 26 years ago, someone gave us the advice to say “I love you” every day. It was a simple recipe and we started doing that; saying positive, encouraging and loving words to each other every day. This formed a habit, which our children eventually got into also. Sometimes we don’t feel a thing, but we keep on saying it anyway. It gets easier and is more powerful when trust has been built up for some years. It is like investing in the future. We have had our ups and downs, but this simple habit has been a cornerstone in building a warm and lasting relationship which means a lot to me. Nowadays when I come home after a troublesome day, I just need a couple of minutes cooking dinner together to get on the right side again. We have trust and the words of my wife have deep effect.

Structure

This simple story could be expressed in system dynamics (SD) concepts. A habit is a pattern, consisting of reoccurring similar events and resulting consequences. The consequences feeds back and affect the type of event that caused it. These patterns form a dynamic structure, intangible in this case but none the less very real. This structure was formed over some time and as established it now has almost a life of its own. It affects the surrounding environment.

System dynamics is a way to describe behaviour that change over time. It is like an abstract language, with a terminology that naturally explains what is happening around us. Abstractions and models of the real world can be more or less fitting. In system terminology the above could be described as below.

A simple model

Encouraging, positive Words affects Change of trust which makes Trust increase. Trust is like a bathtub and Change of trust is like the faucet controlling the flow of water. The arrow going out from Trust symbolizes that negative words drain Trust. With positive words, Trust accumulates over time. In the model there is also a relationship between Trust back to Change of trust, meaning that as Trust increases, Words have bigger effect. This feedback reinforces the increase of Trust.

Remember that this is a simple model to illustrate the concepts of system dynamics.

Different perspective

What difference does it make to describe the situation this way? We are typically not trained to see patterns over time, feedbacks or accumulations and this lack of perspective brings us into trouble. We try to change a situation and and are surprised as it becomes worse. When something goes wrong we look for someone to blame, but the truth is that we together have created a structure that produces the behaviour, good and bad. Our thinking, deeply affected by media, is short-sighted and focuses on simple event-cause relationships and details.

Smarter navigation

What difference does it make to know about dynamics? If we are conscious of these principles we can purposely design or redesign structures around us for the better. If we cannot manage the system, we can at least navigate in a smarter way. If we realize the above structure in a relationship, we understand that it takes time to build trust and that we have to be patient. Trust is a stock and is very valuable. It shouldn’t easily be thrown away.

I recently visited a meeting at the Swedish Red Cross in my home-town. The meeting was led by a group of volunteers that work with refugees. They told us about their work and how they assist the refugees in finding lost relatives, medical issues, and contact with authorities and all kinds of things. These Red Cross people are genuinely interested in the welfare of immigrants and refugees. All for free. I was touched by their concern. They include these foreigners in their own world.

Group identification

People tend to identify themselves with different kinds of groups. Belongingness is said to be one of the basic human needs. But this identification often creates a distance to people not belonging to the chosen group. I’ m male and not female. I’m a house owner and not an apartment owner. I live on the east side of town and not on the west side. I’m a Swede and not from middle Europe. I’m a technician and not a sales person. I’m a jazz guy and not one of those metal lovers. It easily becomes a us and them situation. As a result we give attention and help to those on the inside and blame those on the outside. Their problems are certainly not our problems. We are not concerned about the welfare for them. Why should we care? This is natural for us and ingrained in our thinking. Belonging to a group gives us safety and shelter.

In reality our identification with limited groups becomes a cage and a prison with walls that separate us from the others. We are deprived of fellowship and cooperation and fear and suspiciousness thrives. It is the main source of conflicts and ultimately wars. It is negative for us and for others. It is very negative for the whole and is against the very nature of life.

Human being

What would happen if we widened our identification? Our group is a system, but it is enclosed in a bigger system. What would happen if we considered ourselves as foremost human beings? Then there would be no “others” and cooperation and sharing would be possible in a different way. Their problems would become our problems and we would strive to understand each other. We have a lot of imagined boundaries and borders, but the truth is that we are in the same boat. We are humans on this earth. This doesn’t mean that we have to say goodbye to diversity of cultures and opinions. Diversification on the contrary will make us strong.

Some weeks ago I visited a large shopping centre in town. As I strolled there with my cart, I was thinking on these things and suddenly I realized how much prejudiced opinions of people that were in my mind. I saw how I kept people at a distance. It was like walls coming down in my mind. I had to stop for a while and I looked at people around me with new eyes. That experience really affected me.

Living being

We can take this widening of identification a step further. Think about our environment. Here we have a us and them situation also. We have lived disconnected from nature for centuries, believing that nature is there for us to use, spoil and degrade. Nature was seen like a machine and we were the operator, running it according to our plans. These days we try to improve on our behaviour concerning environment. We try to do a little here and a little there, but we have to go deeper than that.

The problem is that we don’t see ourselves as a part of the living world. The truth is that we are but one member of the web of life, deeply dependent on the other species. Some walls have to come down here also. The lips cannot say to the lungs, I don’t need you. This is literally true in these days and thinking something else would be very stupid.

Heart

Somehow this has to come into our hearts. It’s not enough to just speculate about it or have knowledge about it. It’s a heart-thing. We try the best we can, but not until it touches our hearts, there will be a real change and things will speed up. A mind shift is needed.

What difference would it make in your life if some walls of separation came down? How could you accelerate this process in your life? There is both a negative side and a positive side concerning sustainable living. We have to do it, or we will perish. On the positive side, what would the positive effects be in your life?

What if connections between objects are more important than objects? What would happen if you during a day prioritized connections? There are possibilities in each person, we know that. We exercise, we study, we work on our career and we spend time on our outward appearance. But think like this … what if there are possibilities in connections to other people? Unnoticed, undeveloped possibilities. Have your met people temporarily and felt like you have known each other for ages? Have you considered that you might have missed one or two of these connections, or perhaps a whole bunch of them?

What would happen if we for a day when doing our business looked around and noticed the people around us? If you are like me, your mind is most often wandering around and we don’t see when we are looking. We behave like a night train moving across the country. We have preconceived ideas of people we meet and our ideas immediately take control and hinder us from being curious and open. What if there are undiscovered treasures passing by today? New friendships? People, whom you can give something that they really need?

What if connections between objects are more important that objects? What would happen if we, for a week, put as much energy and effort in developing existing relationships as we do to develop ourselves. Do we give up too easy on relations? What you have together with your friends might be much more valuable than the sum of your separate values.

I’m sitting here in my working room at home and thinking. Discovering things about myself. Challenging myself. Some questions, aren’t they? What do you think?

There is some kind of evil principle in the world and also inside us that wants to pulls us apart from one another. It is active between mates, inside a group and between groups of people.

Today I reminded myself of this: we have to appreciate our relationships and the time and experiences that we have shared together. Having spent 5 or 10 years together is valuable. Every shared thought or event is like an investment, a deposit in a bank. It should not easily be thrown away.

I think we have to move towards one another. Because there is a force that wants to pull us apart, we have to be active and apply some force in the opposite direction. How do we move towards each other? We can do it by small choices every day or every time we meet, by reacting positive instead of negative, by encouraging instead of criticising, by trying to understand the other persons thoughts and feelings. Parents can put themselves in the teenagers shoes and husbands can study their wives world.

Love gives a new chance, again and again. Let’s put some energy in it. Let’s invest in our relationships. The investment will return to us. An old saying states: “Cast your bread over the water and it will came back to you”.